god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
