I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
