so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
