Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Randomize
