I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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