My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Randomize
