i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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