who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
