then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
