Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Vodka?
Forever.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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