my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
