My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
You need a sexual gate keeper
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
