I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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