I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
