How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
