I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Screwed.edu
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Randomize