i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
