I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
how do flat chested girls get laid?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
