it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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