So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
