anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
