I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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