did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
