The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
