so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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