I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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