i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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