Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
