The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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