Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
