i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
