theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
