I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
All the doctor said was why
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
