they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
