Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
