I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
