why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize