giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
