I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
