I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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