Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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