the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
