I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
My dick has a subreddit
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
