So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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