My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
