I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
