He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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