maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize