I want to walk on stilts...naked
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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