She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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