i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
