I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
