hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
