dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
